Cheating

So, I have done it all, I cheated, I have been cheated on and currently I am the girl some guy is betraying his girlfriend with. Fancy.

My explanation for me is plain and simple; I was done with my relationship, I cheated, which was wrong, I confessed and broke up with him (not 4 weeks later, but the day after). Doesn’t make it a story to be proud of, but at least I confessed.

Not so long after that I met my ex-boyfriend, who cheated on me after we had been together for a year, but didn’t tell me untill I found out about it two years later. I was hurt, damaged and lost all my faith in men.

My faith in men has never been restored, actually it only got worse, around me I only see men (and women) cheating on their significant others, but for some reason this cheating does not serve as an eye-opener, as they do not leave their partner. So why cheat? I mean if you want to cheat that means your relationship isn’t as good as it should be right?

Currently I am, no other way to put it, in a sex-affair with a guy. He has a girlfriend, they haven’t been together for a long time (only a few months) which in my opinion makes it worse, I mean you should still be head over heals in love right? We see each other a couple times a week, he spends the night, we talk and we have sex. A LOT OF SEX. I am not saying that what I am doing is right, but what he is doing is far worse. For the first time I feel like I am in control, I am in this with KNOWING that I am not his number one, for that reason I can never gt hurt (at least that’s what it feels like now). People tell me differently, if she finds out, he is going to drop you – and you have nobody to be angry at but yourself.

So why do people cheat? Especially when you have just entered into a relationship.

 

FYI: the guy I am seeing has a perfectly good looking girlfriend, they do have sex and she is not boring…

Off the radar

Yes, it has been a while. Yes, a while is an understatement of epic proportion.

I am back, I miss the writing but for some reason I was crazy obsessed with one of my friends finding this blog and linking it to me. Not that I have written so many things that could really harm them, but it can be very confronting to read what one of your friends has to say about you when there are no boundaries, none, at all. I decided not to care anymore, so I am back.

Trying to summarize the past few months of my life is not an option, too much has happened. Short update: still single, still loving my friends (although some relationships have shifted), a little less surfing, a little more partying, made a promotion (I am the boss), full of confidence, loving myself. Issues in life still mainly consist of men.

I have dated a gazillion men, but only one for a longer period of time, so mainly flings and one I was hoping to turn into something more. Just like everybody in this planet I was trying to find my soul mate on Tinder, yes I had several dates, but no I did not find my soul mate (or anything close to it). Just as I was giving up on men in general I found one, in a club, a beautiful stranger. No to be honest, he wasn’t beautiful, I wasn’t drawling or completely overwhelmed, but he had this something, this je ne sais quoi. I liked him. I decided I needed to go talk to him, and so I did, maybe because he wasn’t a gorgeous creature I wasn’t the slightest bit afraid, I spoke to him. It took me 30 minutes, than we kissed, we exchanged phone numbers. After this, I kind of had my own little moment of laissez faire (taking French at the moment as you might notice), I completely shifted my focus from him back to my friends. I guess that’s what triggered him, because after this evening it was a full on float of text messaging and even calling.

We set a date, Friday evening, I was so nervous that I was drunk at 7 o’clock (he was set to arrive at 8). We had sex, no not really, we made love. Really? No not really, you can’t make love with a guy you don’t know right? Well, I don’t know if this is true anymore. Till today (this whole thing is 4 months ago) I am confused. Still don’t know if we had sex or if we made love. All I know is; it was amazing. AMAZING. I never had this. In my 10 years of having sex, I have never had sex like this. EVER. My ex-boyfriend, never made me experience anything even slightly close to what I had experienced with this guy. A week after I was still floating around on a little cloud, I still could not believe this had happened to me. Better yet, it was about to happen to me again. And so it happened to me, for three months, two nights a week, two nights a week I would not sleep, I would hardly close my eyes, I would just look at my own beautiful stranger. Touch him, kiss him, let him kiss me, let him touch me, let him bring me to places I would have never expected to visit, say what; places I did not even knew existed until he showed me.

Than my feelings took a turn for the worse, no no it could have been good, but his feelings were not turning, they were staying on the same road they had been all along. That meant I had to end this thing, this amazing thing, this sex adventure, this unbelievable hot and steamy adventure. Adventures like that just don’t work when you are both heading in a different direction. I miss him, I miss his hands all over my body, I miss his whispering, his everything. I do. At least, this experience will never be taken from me.

 

 

 

Friends with jealousy issues

This week just seems to fly by; work is super busy, especially because I am almost leaving on a well-deserved vacation and obviously I have to see all my friends before I leave. Also you always need to do a lot of cute dress and sunglasses shopping. Almost packed and ready to go.

Saturday we will be leaving – late night flight so time for my last shopping today. Tonight party time with my colleagues, so hoping to find some hot stuff in town.

Ben decided to text me yesterday, I decided not to reply – I have to say, I am proud.

Yasmin, who is joining me on vacation, is quite worried, although she won’t admit to it – she doesn’t like going anywhere without her boyfriend. She is my best friend but there are some things that just really bother me. Whenever she is with a guy, her whole life revolves around this guy. However when one of us gets a boyfriend, she doesn’t accept it when we cancel one of our regular Friday or Saturday evenings. She is extremely jealous, she is always worried that her significant other is texting other girls or hanging out with his ex-girlfriend.

However, the jealousy doesn’t stop there. Since she is no longer single she hardly ever has time to go out with us, so we go without her. For some reason, whenever we go out without her, we end up getting in some kind of weird argument; she always makes weird remarks, like she doesn’t like us hanging out without her. I don’t get it; it is not like we don’t want her to join it is just that she always wants to be with her guy.

When we do hang out at night, she calls her man at least 4 times, in approximately 6 hours. She thinks this is normal, I think it is crazy. I mean WTF, really, seriously, what do you talk about? When I have a guy, talking once a day is sufficient. For some reason he also calls her, like all the time, whatsup with that guys? I thought guys hated it when girls call them all the time. I guess not.

Men… I will never understand.

Since I have been single, which is almost five months now, I have tried to analyze my evenings out. I have done is very strange discovery (however, this might be completely explainable by a person of the male gender).

Most of the times when I go out, I really tried, bought nice clothes, wearing red lipstick, make up, looking quite nice if I may say so myself. On those nights I always get guys coming up to me saying that I either have “Sexy lips” or “incredible legs”, but for some reason, I never make out with a guy nor have I ever had any guy asking for my phone number. Why? Is it because it looks like I tried to hard? Is it because I scare of guys? (Little side note: I am 6,2 tall )

Then there are those evenings on the beach, where I look like shit. I just went surfing and then just put my hair up in a weird looking bun, I wear hardly any make up, usually wearing very unflattering (but comfy) clothes. Far far far away from sexy. Those are the nights I get phone numbers, kiss random guys and have the time of my life. Those guys however never tell me I have sexy lips, legs, hair, eyes or whatever. They just talk to me, sometimes I feel like they don’t even notice that I am a girl, and there.. out of the blue: “Can I maybe have your phone number?”. HUH! I know by now I should always expect the unexpected, but this is just unlike anything I could ever understand.

So now, I have a date tonight, a blind date. Do I go for the beach look, or do I remain faithful to my ladylike look?

There comes the insecurity…

The weekend has passed… time to recover for the next weekend.

Saturday I had a formal event in a local hotel, great food, great drinks and great company. Yes sure, after 4 hours on my high heels there was absolutely nothing I wanted to do more than put on my flip flops, but somehow this didn’t seem appropriate. It was a very nice event, but as it was formal I couldn’t really party as I’d like to on a random Saturday evening. I was happy to go home around 1 a.m. and watch a movie in bed.

Sunday was a whole different story. Together with my Sister and Lace I went to a party on the beach, or we went to chill on the beach, turned out there was a huge party. Great music, reggae tunes and a lot of people I have met this summer and just started calling my friends. You know how when you see this one person, you can get really excited because you think his friend might be there as well. Well, this friend wasn’t there, too bad. I found out he will be present at a party I will attending next week, the week of worrying about my outfit starts today!

Recently one of my friends added me to some kind of online dating website, which I was first very hesitant about. Of course, on an online dating site you show the best side of yourself, best pictures, very spontaneous looking all of that. About a week ago I started talking to a guy, we were just so comfortable talking to each other. Unfortunately he lives quite far away (an hour drive) so we didn’t go on a date right away. Last night he added me on facebook, which is cool, but, considering I have almost 2000 pictures on facebook, he can see every side of me. After he added me we had one other really long talk, after that we went to sleep. I assume today he went through all my pictures, now our conversation just kind of died. I don’t believe that my pictures are hideous, however when my friends tag me, I don’t always look like a supermodel either… hate this insecurity. Don’t really know what to do about it either…

Your happy place

Yesterday was quite a busy day, work, shopping with Yasmin (we love shopping) and then having drinks with my friend Lauren. Lauren is not really a close friend of mine, she is kind of a charity project (so happy this is an anonymous blog).  I like to surround myself with positive, happy and spontaneous people, she is the opposite. Unfortunately this has to do with her lack of confidence, which I find very sad. For that exact reason I decided to add her to my “friend list” it is like a project, I want to make her happy.

So, we decided to have drinks at this nice place at the waterfront.  We discussed our favorite subject: Men.  She is dating this guy, a great guy, looks good, has a great job, a nice house, he has got his life figured out. Only this Mr. Perfect, is making her feel even less confident. In my opinion he is being very nice to her, there is absolutely no reason for her to worry. She feels different, he doesn’t text her the right things, and after every date it takes him a few days before he invites her for another date. I think this guy is just busy, but still likes her, otherwise he wouldn’t date her at all.

After a few glasses of wine I decided I wanted a late night date with Ben. Turns out, he wasn’t feeling the same way. He told me he is kind of into another girl he just met, I am cool, fun and great, but a real relationship with me is not an option. I wasn’t looking for any kind of serious relationship, but I am definitely not sleeping with a guy who is into another girl. Clearly I am quite a catch, and if he can’t realize that, his loss. At least, this is what I keep telling myself – I don’t feel that way just yet, but I will get there.

My other option: Antony, texted me last night, telling me that he is going away for a few months, and leaving in a few days. In other words; he is no longer an option.

When going home I just started crying, not that these guys matter so much, but sometimes I am just lonely. Times like that I just want to be with Kevin, just because than I have someone to hold me, to hug me and to cuddle with at night. I have such a full life, great friends, I see them every single day, I have no reason at all to be lonely but sometimes…I  just am…

Today I wanted to go kite surfing, just to clear my mind and go to my happy place, you can imagine how disappointed I was when I checked the weather just 20 minutes ago to find out: No wind, none at all. So today I feel a bit sad – and that is my own stupid choice. I do not believe there is a cure for being sad, but I do believe it is a choice. Every day when you wake up you can decide: Today will be a great day, or today will be a horrible day. It’s not a guarantee, but close to it.

Every person needs to find their happy place, a place where it doesn’t matter, nothing matters, only you. For me that place is the ocean or close to it: the beach. For some it might be the park, a roof, their car, I don’t know; but you have this place. It needs to be there. Don’t have one? Create it; Do something you absolutely love.

Texting for dummies

Yesterday evening I decided I needed to go do something. I wasn’t really feeling it, but you know how you can kind of feel the pressure, especially when the weather is good. You just don’t want to answer: “I sat inside all evening” when one your colleagues ask what you did last night. So I looked at all the different facebook invites to see if there was some kind of Thursday evening drink, turns out I was invited to a few gallery openings and some store openings. Those evenings are challenging though, you never know what to wear, as everyone looks like they just stepped out of a fashion show. Or they all have their very individual, cool, arty farty, style. I change my “style” according to the event I will be attending, but last night my closet wasn’t ready for this kind of event.
I than remembered the drink of a volunteer organization I work for. That seemed like a very safe and relaxed option, the people there are not all that fashionable, so I could wear what I was already wearing. Perfect. They reserved a nice terrace behind a bar, we had some small snacks and drinks, good place to be on a warm, humid, summer evening.

Around 10 I went home, after a few glasses of wine I usually lose my “hard-to-get” mood, so I really wanted to send out a text to Ben. I had a bit of an internal debate and decided it was better not to send a message, as it was Thursday and Fridays are more suitable for late night dates. If I had sent a text on Thursday, obviously I couldn’t do it again on Friday, saved that option for tonight.

What I am also dealing with is the way Ben likes to text, it’s more like sexting. It just kind of throws me of my game, for some reason I am not comfortable enough yet to answer in any “exciting” way. When he asks me: “How are you going to please me tonight?” I can’t think of any other answer than: “Any way you would like”. Wow how is that for exciting ;-). Have no clue how to get over this hold back. I mean our “thing” is solely based on sex, so I should just be as comfortable texting him, as I am between the sheets.

As I said before: Friday is a good night for late night dates; I’ll have a lot of wine, after a few glasses I will completely forget that I am a horrible texter and tell him every way I would like to please him.

-Surf-

Feelings are much like waves, we can’t stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf.